The intensity of what’s happening here seems to me to be unique. That the emotions I’m feeling are more raw and overwhelming than they’ve been in the past. That this moment in my ministry is somehow going to define me and the fact that I feel finished actually means that I am.
But yea…reality is…not so much.
It’s true that I’ve never had a run of such difficult situations like I’ve had recently. And it’s also true that I feel emotionally raw and overwhelmed. And it’s absolutely true that if someone offered me a ministry on a beach where no one told me their problems and we just talked about Jesus and drank fruity drinks with little paper umbrellas in them I’d probably be packing my bags right now rather than sitting here writing this post.
But is it the first time I’ve ever felt this way? No…not really. Is it the last time? Oh, I hope so…but probably not. Full-time ministry seems destined to chew you up and spit you out on a fairly regular basis. Or maybe it’s just life that does that. Either way…
I’ve been doing this (full-time ministry) for over twenty years now (oh good grief) and strangely (and probably also contrary to popular opinion) I’ve learned a few things along the way.
Number One: People are lame. The Bible says sinful. I was going to say stupid. I settled in the middle. Suffice to say that we all make dumb, hurtful decisions that negatively affect ourselves and the people around us.
Number Two: It feels like those of us in full-time ministry take the brunt of the effects of those stupid decisions. I’m not saying that people outside of full-time ministry don’t have to deal with other people’s bad decisions. Of course they do. We all have family and friends who are struggling and that affects us. We all know that pain.
But somehow when it’s your “job” to help people who are struggling it feels different (did you notice I started using “struggling” instead of “being stupid”? That’s me working through this…). There are lots of rewarding, “God” moments (which is why we're able to get out of bed in the morning) but there are also lots of discouraging moments which make you want to go drink fruity drinks on the above-mentioned beach.
Number Three: God provides what it is you need to get through those discouraging moments. I’ll be honest…this time around I’m not there yet. I’m not totally sure how to move forward. Every time I think about some of what’s going on my heart aches and my stomach starts to churn. I’m still having sleepless night where my mind gets going and won’t shut off.
But can I see God speaking to me in the midst of that? Yea, I can. Strangely, there are moments I want to deny that and pretend I don’t see it and just continue wallowing in my frustration and misery. I’m funny that way. But absolutely I know that God has been faithful in the past and will be faithful in the future.
Like I said earlier…this isn’t the first time I’ve gone down this road. God has given me some amazing experiences when I’ve needed His assurance and peace. Maybe when there’s a moment I’ll share some of those with you. But for now it’s enough for me to remember and trust.
I was reading through the Psalms the other morning and a passage from Psalm 42 jumped out at me. The night before I read this, I’d only slept for a couple of hours because I couldn’t turn my brain off. I kept trying to tell myself to stop thinking...but that only made it worse.
Psalm 42 verse 11 says this…
“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.”
The psalmist writes like there’s two people involved…him and his soul. And he asks his soul why it’s so disturbed inside of him. After what I’d just been through the night before, that resounded within me. Then he tells his soul to put its hope in God because they will yet praise Him, their Saviour and their God.
He doesn’t sound like he's there yet. But he knows he will be.
But yea…reality is…not so much.
It’s true that I’ve never had a run of such difficult situations like I’ve had recently. And it’s also true that I feel emotionally raw and overwhelmed. And it’s absolutely true that if someone offered me a ministry on a beach where no one told me their problems and we just talked about Jesus and drank fruity drinks with little paper umbrellas in them I’d probably be packing my bags right now rather than sitting here writing this post.
But is it the first time I’ve ever felt this way? No…not really. Is it the last time? Oh, I hope so…but probably not. Full-time ministry seems destined to chew you up and spit you out on a fairly regular basis. Or maybe it’s just life that does that. Either way…
I’ve been doing this (full-time ministry) for over twenty years now (oh good grief) and strangely (and probably also contrary to popular opinion) I’ve learned a few things along the way.
Number One: People are lame. The Bible says sinful. I was going to say stupid. I settled in the middle. Suffice to say that we all make dumb, hurtful decisions that negatively affect ourselves and the people around us.
Number Two: It feels like those of us in full-time ministry take the brunt of the effects of those stupid decisions. I’m not saying that people outside of full-time ministry don’t have to deal with other people’s bad decisions. Of course they do. We all have family and friends who are struggling and that affects us. We all know that pain.
But somehow when it’s your “job” to help people who are struggling it feels different (did you notice I started using “struggling” instead of “being stupid”? That’s me working through this…). There are lots of rewarding, “God” moments (which is why we're able to get out of bed in the morning) but there are also lots of discouraging moments which make you want to go drink fruity drinks on the above-mentioned beach.
Number Three: God provides what it is you need to get through those discouraging moments. I’ll be honest…this time around I’m not there yet. I’m not totally sure how to move forward. Every time I think about some of what’s going on my heart aches and my stomach starts to churn. I’m still having sleepless night where my mind gets going and won’t shut off.
But can I see God speaking to me in the midst of that? Yea, I can. Strangely, there are moments I want to deny that and pretend I don’t see it and just continue wallowing in my frustration and misery. I’m funny that way. But absolutely I know that God has been faithful in the past and will be faithful in the future.
Like I said earlier…this isn’t the first time I’ve gone down this road. God has given me some amazing experiences when I’ve needed His assurance and peace. Maybe when there’s a moment I’ll share some of those with you. But for now it’s enough for me to remember and trust.
I was reading through the Psalms the other morning and a passage from Psalm 42 jumped out at me. The night before I read this, I’d only slept for a couple of hours because I couldn’t turn my brain off. I kept trying to tell myself to stop thinking...but that only made it worse.
Psalm 42 verse 11 says this…
“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.”
The psalmist writes like there’s two people involved…him and his soul. And he asks his soul why it’s so disturbed inside of him. After what I’d just been through the night before, that resounded within me. Then he tells his soul to put its hope in God because they will yet praise Him, their Saviour and their God.
He doesn’t sound like he's there yet. But he knows he will be.
2 comments:
We are still fervently praying for you my friend. For peace and wisdom, a calm heart and the strength to carry through. Lots of people are thinking about you. xo
Couldn't have said it better myself... Thank you!!
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